love is hard
by ilovesvu12
Summary: my frist fanfic so plz be nice
1. Chapter 1

Olivia Benson sat down in defeat totally stunned. What had just happened? Vivian…she-she wasn't supposed to come take Calvin back, not now while she still used! Sure, she said she was going to be clean, but she'd worked enough of these cases to know that it probably wouldn't happen.

Her mind drifted back to moments before…

"Let me go!" he had screamed. "I wanna stay with Olivia! Olivia, don't let them take me!" he'd yelled as they'd pried him from her arms and drug him away. "Help me!"

She sighed, running her hands over her face, trying to mask what was happening to her. That little boy was the closest person she had to a son. How could she let them do this? She slammed her hands on her desk.

"Here," Elliot said, handing her a hot coffee, "drink it."

She shook her head. "Nothing's gonna take this away, El. I feel like I lost a piece of myself. When I'll see him is what worries me. Something tells me Vivian's never going to stop. So the next time I see him will be…when his mother turns up dead in an alley or-or maybe she'll be desperate and need money and he'll steal 'cause hey, she's his mom…"

Unknown to her he'd walked over to stand beside her. "Hey, don't beat yourself up, Liv. Calvin's a smart kid. I'm sure if things get too dicey he'll come looking for you," he answered, resting a hand on her shoulder.

She sighed. "I just hope by then he hasn't forgotten me," she replied taking a sip and setting it on her desk.

"He won't. I saw how Calvin looked at you, how he acted. It was like he'd replaced her with you."

She smiled, taking a long drink before setting it back down. Seconds later, the familiar click clack of high heels came from behind her. She turned, seeing Casey Novak coming toward her with a manila folder.

"What is it, Casey? What's going on?" Olivia asked. In truth, she wasn't in much of a mood to do anything but kick herself for not giving legitimate reasons that he should stay.

"I know you're not up to much right now, but I thought you might be interested in this." She handed her the file.

Olivia opened it, scanning through a few pages with a raised brow.

"What is it, Liv?" Elliot asked.

"Vivian said she was checked into a treatment centre, right?" she asked, looking up. He nodded. "Well, according to this, they've never even heard of her."

Casey flipped to the back page. "And they need a viable reference to bring kids just to visit."

"They can't stay there because kids aren't supposed to live with the addicted parent," Elliot added. "She lied."

"To us, to her Child Services provider—who was he again?" Olivia asked.

"Name was Paul Verecca," Casey responded.

"Wait, then the nullification of Liv's guardianship wasn't legal?" Elliot asked.

Casey sighed. "Well, that's the difficult part."

"You mean because as his birth mother, she can automatically supersede my rights?" Olivia asked, her hope fading slightly. "Which means there's not much we can do."

"Not necessarily," Fin said walking into the room. "Old buddy of mine from Narcotics just called. Turns out he's been undercover for a while and get this…Vivian buys from him which means she's definitely still using."

"Which means she had no right to take Calvin from me—us—to provide him a stable environment," Olivia responded. "We've gotta get him out of there. Fast."

"What do we do?" Elliot asked. "We can't just go over and grab the kid. I know how much you want to, Olivia, but if we do we'll probably face major legal trouble."

"There is a legal loophole," Casey answered. "If her Child Services person was actively involved in her life, which Child Services has to be to determine the suitability of the environment, then he knew Vivian wasn't clean."

Olivia paged through the report again before looking up. "Then why agree to it?"

"Casey, did you recognize him at all?" Elliot asked.

The ADA sighed. "No, but there are so many districts in this city alone I'm not surprised. You think-you think he wasn't with Child Services?"

"It's a long shot, but it is possible. Papers can be faked, birth certificates, driver's license…"

"It's a really long shot, Elliot, but I'll make a couple calls," Casey answered walking away.

Thirty-five minutes later…

Casey Novak sighed, hanging up the phone. She'd exhausted every angle, called everyone she knew and then some, but no one had ever heard of Paul Verecca which meant they could possibly have a huge case against him. As she really knew nothing about him, she thought the databases should be checked.

After all, Meth addicts were always looking to score and she had a feeling—a horrible feeling—in her gut that the little boy Olivia had become so attached to was in serious trouble.

Briskly, she walked from her office into the precinct.

Olivia looked up from her still-warm coffee, seeing the DA coming toward her. "Casey, what—"

But before she could get a word out, she was cut off.

"Munch, I need you to check someone," Casey said.

He looked up from his lunch, nodding and walking to the front of the database. "Who?"

"Paul Verecca," she answered. "V-e-r-e-c-c-a."

Benson's eyes narrowed. "Why? He's with Child—"

"No, he's not, Olivia. I called everyone in-state and slightly out. There's no one by the name of Paul Verecca working for Child Services."

Stabler sighed. "Then what the hell did we send him back to?"

Benson stood and walked over beside Munch, who was still scrolling through the databases. She knew whatever they found wouldn't be good and was trying to prepare for it.

After ten minutes, he turned to her. "Well, there's nothing in petty crimes."

"I'd almost prefer that. At least then, he'd run a lower psychological risk. Keep searching," she answered, walking over to where Casey Novak stood. "Casey, what's your take on this?"

"Probably as good as yours. Normally, you would help the kid and everything would be fine, but I know this isn't a normal case for you."

"And?" Stabler asked.

"There's nothing in any of our criminal databases. Sorry Liv," Munch answered, walking over to finish his lunch.

She sighed. "There has to be something! Just because he isn't there doesn't mean he's clean! He probably just hasn't been caught…yet."

"So, now what?" Stabler asked. "Do we just wait for something to happen?"

Olivia grabbed her jacket. "You can, but I won't just sit around."

"Where are you going?" Casey asked.

"To her last known address, where else?"

Fin walked in. "Hold it, Liv. She won't be there. They've moved it." He handed her a piece of paper. "Got the new address since I know you can't leave this alone." Her eyes narrowed in rage. He backed up. "Hey, no one here's blaming' you for carin' about the kid," he said placing his hand on her wrist. "As far as kids go, he's one of the good ones." She nodded, relaxing.

Cragen walked out of his office. "You are going after the kid, Olivia?"

She walked over to him. "Yes sir. I'm concerned for him. I'm positive Vivian wasn't clean when she picked him up."

He shrugged. "She looked okay to me."

"Heavy drug addicts can alter their state of mind, rarely, but she must have one hell of a tolerance," Fin answered.

Cragen nodded. "Alright, so how do we go about this?"

"I'll make a few more calls to my buddy in Narcotics," Fin answered sitting down at his desk and picking up the phone.

"Okay, so Benson, Stabler, Munch, Fin's leading this. If you need me, I'll be in the office," he said walking away.

"And while he's doing that, I'll get you an issue of protective custody for him. Any kid's in danger around that," Casey told Olivia before she walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 3: Not Just a Job Anymore**

Olivia was sitting outside of Elliot's waiting for him. She'd called him about 15 minutes ago and he'd called Fin who'd pinpointed the house for them.

Waiting for him was killing her. She wanted to race to Calvin, wrap her arms around him and try to take away his pain. But part of her knew it couldn't happen exactly that way. He hadn't been able to tell her exactly what happened, but it was very bad.

A knock on the window made her jump as she looked over seeing Elliot waiting for her to unlock the door. She reached over and unlocked, watching him climb in. "Sorry about it being so late," she answered as they took off down the street.

He waved it off. "Don't worry about it." He yawned. "So…did he give you any specifics?"

She shook her head. "None, just said they hurt him, but just that makes me want to put them first in line for a lethal injection." She was gripping the steering wheel so tightly, her knuckles were white.

"Liv, want me to drive?" he asked. Her mind was everywhere but the road and he knew it.

Without so much as a nod, Olivia pulled over on the side as Elliot got out and she slid into the passenger seat. As upset as she was, Olivia was surprised she hadn't been in an accident.

Her mind was only focused on one thing right now: seeing Calvin again. It felt like days when it was mere hours since he'd been pried from her grasp. What happened to him? Why was he somewhere in the ratty part of New York? Oh yeah, his mother's still a junkie, that's right. She rolled her eyes as the car door slammed in signification that Elliot had taken over driving.

"I hope he'll be okay until we get there," she muttered. "I'm used to seeing strangled, mangled, half naked bodies, but he's just a kid…"

Elliot was too focused on the road to answer. He cared about him too. They'd seen families torn apart by custody battles and drug use and not one kid had been like Calvin. He was so caring and sweet. And his sanity was saved by the woman trying desperately to relax beside him, though she kept fidgeting and sighing.

Finally, he rolled to a stop at a red light and had enough time to answer. "No kid would ever be 'fine' after seeing that, Liv. You know that, but you're the person he depended on to get him out of this mess. And, somehow, I think you probably knew you would be. He'll be shaken up for a while, but you have the Empathy to help him get through it." As he finished, the light turned green and he drove as fast as he dared to the location.

"Maybe you're right, but my place, that's no place to raise a preteen. Even if I did manage to get custody. He said his mom ran," she sighed, "she's gonna fight me tooth and nail."

"Not if we catch her first," he added. "She's already messed up once by taking him again while still using. Got to be some way to use that to your advantage. As far as the living situation goes, you'll work something out. Something will come along." Slowly, he came to a stop.

Olivia looked at him in confusion. "Why did you stop?"

"Him," he pointed across the street to a yellow colored two-story house with a person curled up into a ball on the steps.

"My God!" she stepped out and raced toward him, the open door forgotten. Slowly, so she didn't startle him, she walked over across the grass until she was standing in his shadow.

"Olivia," he whispered, crying frantically. "I wish you were here now," uncurling an arm, he wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "I need you."

Listening to him nearly broke her heart. Her legs were shaky as she dropped to her knees beside him.

Elliot rested a hand her shoulder. "I'll check the house," he said barely able to be heard and stepped over Calvin.

Calvin saw a figure over him and curled tighter into a ball. "NO!" he screamed. "Don't do it, please!"

Elliot jumped, slightly startled, looking to his partner, who only gestured for him to continue.

After he left, Olivia rested a hand on his shoulder and he shrank away. "Calvin," she spoke softly. He laid still, without moving. She scooted closer and scooped him into her arms. "Calvin?" his eyes were squeezed shut tightly and he still shook in fear a bit, but slowly, Olivia moved her hand to stroke the side of his face.

He knew her voice, her calming touch, but was still deathly afraid this was all some dream his mind had concocted to soothe him to sleep. She kept her hand to his face and it was like the water to fire. It took a bit before he grabbed her hand and pulled it to his chest. When she didn't pull away, his eyes slowly opened. "Olivia?" he asked softly.

His mind was so hazy, the pain he'd endured making it harder to stay awake, to fight the comfort sleep would bring right here, outside, in the detective's arms. "Is it really you? I'm not dreaming?" he asked as tears were held back.

She smiled. "Yes Calvin, it's really me." As soon as the words left her mouth, he snuggled into her jacket, resting his head on her shoulder. Something about this moment, something about him, felt so right. She wrapped both arms around him tighter before he winced in pain and the tears that were held back sprung free. "What's wrong?"

"Whole…body…hurts!" he managed.

"Shah, it's gonna be okay. I'm going to go see it Elliot needs help—"

"No! Don't go!" he said, throwing his arms around her like a child on their first day of school.

Carefully she stood with him. "Calvin, listen to me. I want you to bury your head in my neck and don't look until I tell you to, alright?" she said as she turned into the doorway of the house, feeling him nod against her.

As she was about to walk in, Elliot stepped up to her. "Apparent OD. I found a few bags of the choice drug in numerous drawers." He pulled out his cell. "I'll call the ME and the Ambulance. You ride with him. He needs you. I'll call Fin to help gather evidence."

"Elliot?" Calvin asked. "Is he re-really d-dead?" he choked out, holding tighter to her.

The detective ruffled his hair. "Yeah, yeah he is." He gestured outside.

Olivia sat back on the steps. Elliot made his calls and sat beside them. "Did you touch him?" he asked.

Calvin shook his head. "O-Only the chair to get through an-and then he fell. I-I-I didn't do it, right?"

"Calm down, Calvin. It's alright. No, you didn't do it." Olivia said.

_Three Hours later…_

Calvin was asleep in a bed at Mercy Hospital with Olivia in the chair beside him. After they gotten to the hospital, a full examination was performed.

Calvin had numerous bruises to his abdomen and cigarette burns on his back. _Which did explain why he cowered and screamed when Elliot stepped over him_, Olivia realized.

And, as if the physical abuse wasn't bad enough, they found evidence of sexual trauma. Olivia ran her hand through her hair in attempt to gather her thoughts, but it didn't work. Her mind was on a track to make whoever did this too him suffer thoroughly. Though, part of her thought who did it to him was the man lying on the exam table in the ME's office, it still didn't do much to ease her mind.

A knock on the door, pulled her out of her thoughts. Fin walked in. "How's he doing?"

She shook her head, sighing. "Okay, from what I can tell. I just don't know how someone managed to inflict this much damage in such a short amount of time." She ran her hand through his hair. "What's that?" she asked seeing the folded paper in his hand.

"Oh yeah," he walked over, sat in the chair beside her and handed it to her.

Quickly and carefully she tore the seal and opened it. "Temporary custody?" she whispered. "For how long?"

"'Til we find Vivian. Then it's up to you. Novak talked with a couple judges. She convinced them that since she left him in such bad shape when she's found, she'll be put in Rikers." Fin answered.

"What _she's_ done? She _hurt_ him? Her _own_ son?"

He rested a hand on her arm. "Its hard to explain, but that's what the evidence of the cigarette burns pointed to."

"What about the bruises?"

"Pulled shoe impressions off Calvin's skin that matches the stiff," he shrugged, "but as he's dead, nothing really needs to be done."

Olivia bit her lip. Even while he was asleep she was fearful the next question would terrorize him. "A-And the trauma?"

He patted her shoulder. "We're not done with the house or neighbourhood yet," he stood up. "We'll find it. Elliot's bringing your stuff from the precinct." He walked over to the doorway. "And when he feels better, Novak wants both of you in her office to recount."

"Me?" she asked. "Why me? I didn't see anything."

"She figures he'll open up easier with you in the room," he answered, walking away.

She smiled a bit. Temporary custody, huh? For now, it was all she could do to keep


	3. Chapter 3

She sighed as the car rolled to a stop.

He noticed her sad expression. "You don't really want to go, do you?"

Olivia ran a hand through her hair. "It's okay, really," she replied while opening her door and stepping out. "Come on."

He got out, slammed the door, and ran to her side. "But if you don't want to…"

Sighing again, she rested a hand on his shoulder. "You asked me about her and I said we would come." A light wind blew her shoulder-length hair about her face and she pushed some of it behind her ear. "It's been a few years since I've visited actually, so it's probably about time I do."

The sun was bright and right in her eyes as they walked over the heavily-trodden grassy area. In most spots, she guessed it rarely grew anymore. Calvin had to watch his step so he didn't disturb or dishonor anyone. It was harder than it looked, but his mom seemed to know this trek by heart as she easily maneuvered through the site.

She wind started to whip harder making her vision unclear as she shoved more of her hair behind her ear. In reality though, she could probably make her way through this blindfolded. She used to visit much more, but with her job, well, it wasn't easy to make time. The memory of when she had learned of the accident flashed through her mind…

_Cragen had called her into his office. "Close the door."_

"_What?" she asked._

"_Sit down, Olivia," he said._

"_What?" she asked in confusion._

"_Really, I think you should sit down."_

_She sighed in slight frustration. "Just tell me, what's going on?"_

_He sighed sadly, resting his hands on his desk."Your mother had an accident."He waited a moment before saying the worst. "I'm so sorry. She didn't make it."_

_Her mind was whirling a thousand ways. Yes, her mother was a chronic alcoholic, but… "How?" she asked._

"_She fell...down the subway steps. 110th and Broadway."_

"_No... my mother never takes the subway." She said with certainty. She never did. Never. She knew she couldn't deny what could have possibly happened. She was sure, by now, even Elliot would never laugh at how her emotions were showing, but she couldn't break. She just couldn't…could she?_

"_The entrance outside the Velvet Room."_

_Her mind was slowly putting the pieces together. "She was drunk," she whispered. She saw Cragen nod and felt a single tear break through her wall that she was trying to keep up._

Calvin noticed she'd frozen a few paces back. He had no idea where the site she was looking for was, but as he turned to face her, he noticed her facial expression was devastating. He sighed. He never would've suggested they come here if he would've known she'd be in so much pain.

Carefully, with as little noise as possible, he made his way back over to her. The look in her eyes was so lost that it hurt to see it. His mom was always the problem-solver, the one who tried to make things better, but…now she looked lost and somewhat frightened of something he had no clue about.

Her hands were at her sides and silent tears rolled down her cheeks. In an instant, she felt someone wrap their arms around her and call her Mom, but her eyes were closed as she was still lost in her memories.

"Mom," Calvin called again, releasing her only a second to grab her waist and free her arms. "It's okay," he told her as he felt her wrap her arms around him and hug him tight.

She nodded, now clearing from her memory and recognizing the voice. Her hands ran up into his hair and she kissed the top of his head. Her eyes opened. "I know, Cal, I know." She held around him with one arm. "Should we keep going? It's just a little more."

He nodded. Slowly they passed other graves. Some were adorned with a single rose, a bouquet or, in some cases; it looked like a flower store. When they were just a few feet away, Olivia noticed something: there were white lilacs lying both on and around it.

They stopped right in front of it as Olivia dropped to her knees, tracing the engraved letters: SERENA BENSON.

"Mom, did you put these here?"

She shook her head. "No, I think I've only told one person what type of flowers I used to put here, but," she looked around and saw no one, "she's not here."

"Why would she do that? She's not her mom."

Olivia felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked back smiling. "Why did you put these here, Alex? You never even met her."

Smiling, Alex Cabot rested on her knees beside her. "I figured I should give her my respect."

"Why?" Calvin asked. "You're not related to her."

She shook her head. "No, but because of her bravery we have your mom," she answered, smiling.

Olivia smiled, wrapping her arms around her. "Yeah, that is true, but I would be the complete opposite," she whispered in her ear.

"I know."

"You're not gonna tell me what that means, are you?" Calvin asked.

They both stood up.

"Maybe one day when you're truly able to understand what my job is I will," the detective replied.

"Aww!" he pouted.

Alex laughed. "Trust me, Cal. For now it's better not knowing."

He nodded. "Wow, that personal?"

Olivia nodded.

He shrugged. "Okay, I'll wait."

**THE END**

**Author's Note:** Well, I thought a one-shot might help me out a bit with this family loss and I was right. I feel much better!

But enough about me, what do you guys think of this? I'm really curious. I loved writing it!

Please read and review!


End file.
